Hanging in There

When I was pregnant with Chiara I felt very connected to my body. Though still termed a high-risk pregnancy because of previous pregnancies, it was my most beautiful experience of bringing life into the world. Let me give you some context before I proceed. Chiara’s pregnancy was my fourth. I was carrying a daughter the second time I was pregnant, and because she was born premature, we lost her. After my son Caleb was born, God convinced me to conceive again, so we did. I was beyond happy when I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time. I had a secret desire to mother a daughter but I didn’t allow myself to ever verbalise this desire. I didn’t want to get my hopes up and then get disappointed. After all, having a baby, any baby, at the finish line of that pregnancy was the main focus, right? I remember the day we had the scan done to see if we could see the gender of our baby. I was so nervous. The sonographer unceremoniously and very matter-of-factly informed us that we were carrying a girl. I promise you I felt like some balloons and a choir should have popped out from the cabinet or something. But no, she didn’t even say congratulations. Ceaser and I were ecstatic but we could read the room, so we kept our excitement contained until we reached our car. We were having a girl!

Fast forward to the day I gave birth to our girl. I had an elective induction because I am a planner and wanted to ensure Caleb was taken care of while I took care of business. When we were all settled in our room at the hospital and our doctor examined me, she was almost certain I was already in labour. I believe she was right; the induction drugs helped speed things along. I have never felt more connected to my body than I did that day. I was ready to meet her. This girl that God took the time to debate with me to have. This girl that had already changed my life in more ways than I could count. After being in labour for a good six hours, I went into transition. I’m not going to dwell on the pain of labour because I believe that goes without saying, however, unlike my transition with Caleb, this time I had a different awareness of every wave that came over my body. This time, I wasn’t afraid she wouldn’t cry when she was born and that the pain I was experiencing would amount to nothing. This time, I wasn’t mumbling for God to help me as I did about a gazillion times before pushing Caleb into the world. This time, as Ceaser rocked me side to side and the midwives rubbed my back with the crash of each contraction, I was ready. I focused my energy on the fact that she was coming and I was going to mom a girl after all.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. ~ Proverbs 13:12 (NLT)

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love. ~Romans 5:3-5 (NLT)

Hope is a complex thing. One minute you think you have it and the next it’s as if you’ve never known it intimately at all. I’ll be honest I am struggling with hope at the moment. Last week I received some difficult news about something I have been trusting God about and as I’ve processed over the past few days, I could swear I have never met hope at all in my life or that I wouldn’t know it if it slapped me in the face. And feel slapped in the face I do. I am still reeling, processing, and trying to understand what God is doing here. When I face such difficult times in my walk with the Lord, I try to go back to times when He showed up and showed off in my life. The past few days I have been thinking a lot about my pregnancy and delivery of Chiara. I’m not sure why, but it’s been on my mind so much that it has influenced my dreams. Keeping it completely one hundred, I haven’t spoken to God about my feelings concerning this difficult news. I didn’t know what to say. But as I write this I can feel the Holy Spirit here, and I am grateful. I am grateful because He is ever so near even when I’m all talked out, all faithed out or all hoped out. So, as I write to remind myself how to hang in there when it feels like my hope keeps getting deferred, I pray that you may find some encouragement too. If not for now, then maybe for later.

Don’t misinterpret God’s silence to mean abandonment

As much as I haven’t had anything to say to the Lord, I have been expecting Him to speak. His silence, over the past few days, in a very strange way, has been comforting. I have appreciated the space to just be. I haven’t even had the strength to crack open my Bible, but the truth is that I know what He would say. I can almost hear Him echo within me, down to the core of my very bones, “Louise, your faith is proven in trouble.” And as the tears roll down my cheeks because quite honestly, I am tired of fighting this particular ‘trouble,’ I know what He’d ask. “Do you believe that I can be whatever you need me to be whenever your purpose is under threat?” What I need right now is hope. With a little bit of hope, I might be able to rub together some mustard-seed faith for another round of battle with this trouble. And just like I would any of my closest friends sitting next to me in absolute silence, I can hear His thoughts, “I am your hope.” Eish! Lord, how do I apply You to this situation any differently than I have before?

Have promises to keep you

When I was carrying Caleb I had specific things I was trusting God for and I had scripture to stand on, but if I can be very candid, I didn’t know what I was believing God for. I had never seen God do these things in my life before this point. I had faith He could do it in general, but there were nights the fear that kept me up or that gave me nightmare-riddled sleep was evidence that I wondered if He could do it for me. When I was carrying Chiara, no demon in hell had anything on me. No one could say, “Mpyo!” I knew my God was able because I had experienced victory in that same area before. I haven’t experienced victory in this trial I am facing, and though that may be true, He is still God. I know that His grace will be sufficient for me. I know that He is my rock and my salvation. I know that He will never leave me. I know that I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. I may not feel like it right now, but I know, and because I know, He will keep me. He will keep me in perfect peace because my mind is fixed on Him. If you find yourself in a situation such as mine where you feel like all your hope is gone, remind yourself of His promises. I know, sometimes I roll my eyes at them too, but the truth is that no matter what our flesh feels like right now, no matter how tumultuous our minds may be, our hearts know that He who promised is faithful to fulfil.

Endure

Purpose is not for the fainthearted. I keep reminding myself of this a lot lately because the truth is that I am tired. I am tired of fighting this particular battle and yet even when I want to give up, something within me won’t let me. He won’t let me. When I think I have nothing left to give this, somehow, I look back and realise that I took another step forward. I am not sure how, and I am honestly convinced my persistence may be doing more harm than good. I pray if it ever came to that I would be sober-minded enough to hear Him release me to let this go. For now, I am holding on, by the skin of my teeth yes, but holding on nonetheless. You can too. 

Don’t put down your hope

How do I put down something I feel like I don’t have anymore? I have purposed to surround myself with people who will have hope for me in this situation because like I said, I feel like I am all hoped out. I can see the kindness of God in their eyes and I pray that as the days roll by, their hope will rub off on me. I pray that as they square their shoulders on my behalf mine will soon rise again, inch by inch. I pray that my strength will be renewed like an eagle’s as I continue to wait on Him, and I pray the same for you.

Use truth

The reality is that when we are down and out, we are the most vulnerable to the enemy’s lies. I know I have been. Lies about myself, lies about God and even lies about my future. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to detect these lies because they sound so familiar. How strange. Lies that sound so familiar they seem truthful. What familiar thoughts are constantly fired your way when you are low? We have to combat those lies with truths from God’s Word. But not just any truth, we must be armed with truth that strategically and directly goes against those devious thoughts. Whatever you may be going through, the truth is that God loves you. The truth is that you are chosen. The truth is that His plan for you hasn’t changed and the truth is that He will have to get you through some troubled waters to get you to your destiny. Remind yourself of that the next time your thoughts try to run amok because I am right there with you.

Look, I don’t pretend to have this all figured out. All I know is that the last time I was all dressed down and ready for battle, sounding my battle cry and focused on the prize that was set before me, these five things helped me get through to the finish line, holding my baby girl in my arms. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was painful. Yes, I was dog-tired and yes that would not be the last time the devil would try me because here I am. But from then to now and everywhere in between, He has not left me. Even now. Even in the silence. So I will tell you like I have been telling myself the past few days… Hang in there. May His grace be sufficient for us and may we see victory on the other side.