The Answer Is No

Caleb and Chiara are both very strong-willed and opinionated children. They have their father’s passion and I have no one else to blame, but myself, for their capacity to know what they want and what they do not. These amazing qualities will serve them well in their adolescence and adulthood. In the meantime, at six-and-a-half and five years old, I am doing everything I can to tame it all without strangling it to death. One of the amazing, yet not-so-amazing, things I am currently dealing with is their inability to accept no, for an answer. They are both quite polite and know how to ask for what they want and need. My challenge is the fact that when their father and I give them an answer, if that answer is not a ‘yes,’ then there is an issue. Truth be told, they have this problem with not just our no, but everyone else’s too. This always baffles me. I mean, when one asks for something, there are two, maybe three possible answers they might receive; ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ and ‘not right now.’ Caleb and Chiara do not know how to receive anything but yes. Some days this is funny and cute, but most days it’s annoying and exhausting. I wish my children would learn, quickly, that they are loved beyond measure and that when we say no, it is not because we want to hurt or punish them, but because we are able to determine what is best for them. My efforts to remind them of this truth in the heat of a ‘no,’ moment are usually met with, “But Mommy!” or “It’s not fair!” Anyone who knows me well knows that I dislike it when my kids whine. The moment they play their whine card, I play my trump card… the ‘and this is my house’ card which goes very nicely with my ‘ain’t that the truth’ stare-nod combination. That usually shuts it down until the next ask about two-and-a-half minutes later. Parenting is for the brave.

A week ago Caleb and Chiara lost all their toys, screens, stuffies and television privileges for three consecutive days. It is the heaviest consequence we have ever issued in our parenting journey thus far and it was met with a huge reality check for them which led to a few tears. Not only had they rejected a ‘no,’ they did so disrespectfully and with the audacity to believe that we owed them a ‘yes.’ The situation was sobering for all of us. For Ceaser and I, it was a call to persevere and remain unwavering in the standard and atmosphere we are creating in our home. For Caleb and Chiara, it was a lesson in respect and appreciation for what they already have. It was a reminder that they own nothing but their bodies and if they are intent on behaving as though they call all the shots, we will not hesitate to demonstrate how far from the truth that is. The first day was rough on us all. I honestly wasn’t sure who was being punished more, them or the adults. I am grateful that God gave us the grace to stick to our guns. To our surprise, the two C’s miscounted their sentence and gave themselves an extra day, which I am unashamed to say I did not correct. One week later and on the other side of this incident, I have encountered a few refreshing ‘OK’  to my ‘no,’ and ‘not right now.’ I wish I could say I didn’t do a double take the first time it happened, but I did. All in all, it’s only the middle of January, so I’d say we’re off to a good start.

 “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” ~ Psalm 84:11 (NKJV)

“And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that God exists and that He rewards those who sincerely seek Him.” ~ Hebrews 11:6 (NLT)

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts higher than your thoughts.” ~ Isaiah 55:8-9 (NLT)

For the past two years, I would describe my season as one of obedience… A season of “Yes, Lord.” Since the end of 2021, it’s been one tough call to obey after the other, and as I head into the third year of this, you would think that I would have it down by now, but it’s still tough. Don’t get me wrong, many things do come a little easier, yet the true essence of obedience still isn’t easy at all. The other day I realised that when one thinks of the word obedience, it’s easy to assume that this entails following God’s directives and trying our best not to argue or delay. This is true, yet there is another side of obedience we often overlook, the side that requires us to not just deal with but learn to thrive when God says, “No.” How we navigate and respond to both God’s yes, and no, is the fullness of obedience.

Reflecting on some of the past few instances that I have had to give my unadulterated, “Yes, Lord,” I find myself looking also at how I have handled His ‘no,’ and ‘not right now.’ If I am being completely honest, I think I have behaved like Caleb and Chiara often do. I’ve sulked and felt entitled, not understanding why I’ve had to wait and often not valuing the fact that God loves me, and His ways are higher than my own. This past week has been a sobering reality check that has led to a few tears and a lot of repentance. God indeed is merciful and kind. I thought it would be beneficial to you, and myself, to list down how we can do better at being more obedient when His answer is ‘no.’ I hope this encourages and challenges you today, and every day.

Check your motivation

God’s no, is hard to deal with, yet His love for us would not be tested true if He did not offer this as a response often. The question is, do we still have the heart to serve and obey Him when we are in the middle of reacting to His ‘no?’ I have seen in my own life that serving and obedience are easy when the blessings of God are flowing. We have more juice and motivation to do as He pleases when we are enjoying His ‘yes.’ When we are faced with His ‘no,’ nothing is externally motivating, and it brings our motives to the surface for examination. So, I ask you these questions like I felt the Holy Spirit ask me… “Do you obey and serve Me (God), to simply go from one blessing to another?” What do you do when you’re in the middle of two blessings? What do you do when I (God) say, “No?” Giving honest responses to these questions will show you what is in your heart and what may perhaps need adjustment and repentance. When it’s all said and done, taking the time to access our motivation to obey God is crucial if our relationship is to remain alive and thriving.

Check your glory tank

Sometimes God places desires, plans and ideas in our hearts as a foreshadowing of things to come. Many times when this happens, I get so excited and go full throttle after what I believe God is expecting me to do, only to be held back by a, “No, not yet.” This can sometimes be discouraging until we realise that God gives us insights into things that might not be for us, but for others to do. This is where it starts to get tricky. Will you obey and serve God when your name won’t be attached to the plan or idea? When there is no glory in it for you, will you still pray over it, steward it and sow into it just as eagerly? The Bible tells us to do everything we do for the glory of God. It’s easy to live with this in mind when some of that glory rubs off onto us, right? God has glory assigned to our names, whether or not we believe this to be true will govern how often we run around trying to fill our glory tanks illegitimately. Rather, let’s meditate on the past glory that God has afforded to us. Think about the times when He allowed you to succeed in certain things and let this be what fills your tank.

Check your need for acknowledgement

Are you obeying God and serving Him for the acknowledgement of man? Beware of becoming addicted to acknowledgement. For me, this is a big one because my primary love language is words of affirmation. It fills my love tank to be appreciated and affirmed in what I do. Yes, this is how God made me and yes, it is an image of His heart because He desires us to appreciate and acknowledge Him too. It becomes problematic for me when I begin to feel less than if and when these affirmations don’t come. Do you still serve, give and sow when God is clear that there will be no acknowledgement for you there? What I have learned a lot recently is that, unlike God, people are very forgetful. People forget what you did and how you sacrificed for them, worse still, sometimes they don’t even notice how much you’re doing or how you’re sacrificing for them. If your obedience is attached to acknowledgement, you will falter when God says ‘no.’ Serve and love God’s people for His name’s sake, and for His name’s sake, let go of the need to be acknowledged.

Check your heart

Don’t just deal with God’s no, get behind it. Support His no, champion His no, speak into His no and sow into His no. Don’t let His no, split your heart and cause half of you to be submitted while the other half is upset about His no. We can’t serve or obey God halfheartedly. When God says no, it is often for something greater. It doesn’t mean He doesn’t think your ideas and plans are good, it might be that God is trying to show you that He trusts you enough to give you an idea and vision that requires a waiting season. Don’t let God’s no, keep you from sharing your heart with Him. Don’t hold onto the last no and let it keep you from seeking God for other things. In this way, we are to be like little children, who even after a hard no, will come back two-and-a-half minutes later to ask for something else. Keep your heart soft before the Lord. Grieve the no, if you have to, just don’t allow it to sour your heart.

God’s vision for your life includes yes, and no. My encouragement and challenge to you is to go after His vision just as hard, no matter His answer in your current season. Trust Him and allow Him to remind you of his track record. Lean on His grace to keep obeying even when there is no immediate glory or acknowledgement assigned for you in it. Don’t attach acknowledgement and glory from men to God’s purpose for your life. Remember that though man forgets, God keeps track of everything and He will reward you in public for all the obedient sacrifices you have made in private. I pray that we will learn to thrive in God’s no and continue to obey and serve Him for His name’s sake.