Reversing Regret

I recently shared with my husband Ceaser and cousin Fredah a dumb thing I did in high school. The conversation was sparked by the question, “Has there ever been a time when you did something dumb and have no idea how you found yourself in that situation?” My story took the cake that night.

Picture this, I am in the eighth grade and fourteen years old. At the time, my mother had not yet purchased her first car, that’s another epic story for another day. My sister and I would graciously be given a ride home by my friend and her father. On the day in question, we were staying at school for afternoon classes as per our weekly school timetable. However, at lunchtime, I saw my friend preparing her belongings as if she was getting ready to leave. Knowing that she was my ride, I followed her towards the pick-up area and asked if she was leaving early that day. She proceeded to loop her arm into mine, smiled mischievously and said, “We are going for lunch, don’t worry, we weren’t going to leave you.” Before I knew it, I was in a vehicle with my friend, a girl who was our junior, the driver of the vehicle and a boy from our class. “Wait, what was happening again?” I thought to myself as the vehicle began to move steadily towards the school gate.

We drove from our school along Kafue Road, through Cairo Road, up Great East Road, and to Kalundu. The entire time I kept thinking, “We’ve passed all the places where we can buy good lunch. Did we have to drive this far?” I said nothing out loud as my friend and the other girl whispered and giggled a few times during the drive. We finally reached our destination, a home, which we pulled up to and parked. Everyone quickly got out of the car and I mimicked them, slightly unsure. We followed our classmate, a handsome young man who easily acquired the attention of most of the ladies at our school, even the older ones. I wasn’t a fan. He gave off shady vibes from the moment I met him. He was good-looking, I couldn’t fault him for that, but that was as far as I would ever go in complementing him, which I would have never admitted out loud. We were ushered into an informal living room where my friend and I sat. The boy and the younger girl disappeared behind a door nearby. I was finally alone with my friend and immediately asked her to explain herself. She let me in on the fact that she was asked to accompany the ‘couple’ off the school grounds so they could have some alone time. I looked towards the door in disgust. Did I just allow myself to be used as a scapegoat? I felt more like a jackass than a goat in that moment.

When the couple re-emerged, the boy couldn’t stop smiling and the girl’s hair was dishevelled. I was mortified. How could I have allowed myself to be a part of this? This was not who I was. I should have asked more questions before getting into that car! We drove back to the school in silence. The driver stopped a few meters shy of the school gate at the instruction of his junior employer. All three of us girls got out and watched the car speed off into the school, leaving us to return on foot, all to avoid suspicion. As we began our short trek, my friend yelled, “Simms!” I initially thought she was joking but then she began to run. Soon all three of us were running even though we could not outrun the agony of the situation. One of our teachers had been returning from his lunch break and saw us disembark from the vehicle. This was bad. This was very bad. Before long all four of us were summoned to the teacher’s lounge for questioning. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. When I left that room I was met by a few classmates who were trying to comfort my sister. She had been crying the entire time, convinced that I had gone home without her. I was gutted. I walked my sister to her class, reassuring her that I would never have left her. I felt sick to my stomach. When I returned to my class I was met by my class teacher Ms. Kasongo. She didn’t bother asking me what had happened, she had not been born the day before. She asked me why I had gone along but didn’t even allow me to answer before she said she was disappointed. I felt her words pierce my heart. I was sad I had disappointed her, but I was heartbroken because I had disappointed myself. I confessed my actions and foolish lack of good judgment to my mother that evening. She showed me mercy, convinced that I felt bad enough for the both of us. She even made fun of me saying, “Naima’s daughter, fooled by the idea of nice food.” She laughed until she cried, I didn’t.

For whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God. ~ 1 John 3:20-21 (ESV)

The LORD will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands. ~ Psalm 138:8 (NKJV)

Have you ever spent time wishing you had a time machine? It may sound silly, but there was a time in my life when I fantasised about going back in time and making better decisions. I hadn’t realised I was doing this a little too much until the Lord cautioned me against it. He reminded me of a verse I have stuck on our fridge; Psalm 138:8 in the NKJV. One translation of this verse reads “The Lord will accomplish that which concerns me.” Another reads, “The Lord will work out His plan for my life.” The point the Holy Spirit was gently trying to drive home with me was that He had already taken my wrong turns and missteps into account when He was formulating His plan for my life. His promise and desire to perfect, accomplish and work things out, doesn’t just mean He cares enough about what concerns me, it also means that He cares so much that He would not let me get in the way of His perfect plan for everything concerning me. I won’t say that since that conversation I have not been tempted to wish for that time machine. I can say though, that when that thought crosses my mind, I am quickly reassured of God’s love for me and His ability to use everything in my story for my good and His glory.

If you have a few timestamps you wish you could erase from the video footage of your life, I would like to encourage you by challenging you to stop grieving over what you cannot change. Stop prosecuting the present version of yourself for something the less evolved version of you did. It’s not fair! This charge is weighing you down and is keeping you from fully walking the path that God has set before you. Release it. Forgive yourself and keep it pushing. You may be far from being able to laugh at yourself, but if you wish to get there, there are a few things you will have to do first. Allow me to hold your hand as I walk you through them. I gat you.

Pause and take inventory of what regret is costing you.

Working part-time for my mother’s business in high school we always did a stock take of the frozen snacks in the freezer on Monday mornings. I would have to collect the extra-large dishes from the kitchen and use them to remove all the packets of frozen snacks. After the freezer was empty, I would sort them according to flavour, carefully laying each packet as flat as it could go and then stacking layers on top as I went. Beef, chicken and vegetable samosas were recorded, and then I would end by taking stock of the chicken and vegetable spring rolls. My fingers would be numb at the end of this chore, but my mother could use that information to determine which customer orders she could satisfy that morning and also which flavours she would focus on producing the rest of the week. Without this information, she would not be able to capitalise on potential income or use her current resources to maximise production.

Similarly, going through life without periodically pausing and taking stock of what is in our hearts will hinder us from living life fully. As we take stock of the contents of our hearts, we can properly record any regret and make an informed decision about how badly it is holding us back. Armed with this information, we can take further steps of courage. 

Drag your regret into the light of God

I am not sure why, but when I think of bringing things into the light of God I think of vampires being dragged into the sun and scorching into nothingness. Please don’t judge me, I watch way too much TV for my own good. Anywho… The presence of God illuminates and also destroys darkness. The Bible says that God is Light, and in Him, there is no darkness at all. It also says that the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. Regret is dark and heavy, and consuming. It is of a contrary spirit than the Spirit of God and as such, when you bring it openly before the light of God’s presence, it will scorch away into nothingness. If there is anything that remains of it after that, it will be a gentle conviction, calling you to make things right, which leads me to my next courageous step.

Where you can make amends, do so

Most Monday mornings, after completing the stock take, I would have a piece of paper where my mother would have written a few of her orders that needed delivery that morning. I would use the data I had collected from stock-taking, and then satisfy the orders listed in different plastic bins that Mom would pack at the back of her car, ready for deliveries that day. After these deductions, I would have to write down what was remaining in stock for the record’s sake and to avoid any stock from being stolen. Any orders we were unable to satisfy, would be deferred to the following day and mom would make calls to the necessary people to inform them.

The snack-making business has taught me that not every order can be fulfilled at the time it is made, especially if it comes on short notice. Regret and remorse place a demand on our hearts for recompense to be made. Many times this is possible and with some humility and prayer amends can be made. Making amends does not mean that the relationship is restored, it does mean that you have taken responsibility for your part in the injury, however big or small it may have been. I respect this. There have been times when I have had to do this and it has been so God-led each time, a tangible reminder that He is pleased when we own up to our mistakes, no matter how much time may have passed. My questions to you are, is there a demand being placed on your conscience by the regret you have been carrying? Are you able to satisfy that demand? Pray and allow the Holy Spirit to lead you. Consider not your reputation, ego or status, if you messed up, fess up.

Move forward

Tupac said, “You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analysing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve or would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.” The only thing I would change about this statement is, rather than leaving the pieces on the floor, leave them at the foot of the cross. Jesus’ blood is sufficient even for that situation that stirs up regret in you. Give it to Him and then move forward. The longer you stay stuck, the longer it will take for you to live fully the life that Jesus died to ensure you enjoy.

Regret keeps us from seeing ourselves clearly and also from seeing God clearly. So much so that we count ourselves unworthy to boldly trust God for certain things in our lives. In the famous words of Elsa from Frozen, let’s let it go! Take stock of what living in the past is costing you. Drag every single regret into the light of God’s presence and allow the Holy Spirit to show you where you can make amends if any. Once you do what needs to be done, let it go and move forward in the fullness of God’s righteousness. I pray that as you do, the weight that has been keeping you from rising will fall off in Jesus’ name.